When Emmet Attempts to Outwit Alice
by MissyMarauderette
Summary: A fact war and a trip to Walmart.
1. Outsmarting Alice

"Did you ever wonder...  
*If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

*Is it okay to use the AM radio after noon?

*What do you call a male lady bug?

*When a dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it.

*Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

*Why you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

*Why there are floatation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

*Have you ever imagined the world without hypothectical situations?

These are the questions that haunt me!" wailed Emmett.

Alice looked at him like he was crazy. "What in the world?"

"The world sucks because of all these bothersome questions that I can't find an answer to!" he exclaimed, looking close to tears.

"Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off." replied Alice with a smug smile. Emmett glared at her. He looked thoughtful for a few moments, then said,

"Did you know that Duck's quacks don't echo, and no one knows why?"

"Did you know that Hitler's mother thought about having an abortion, but was talked out of it by her doctor?" Alice fired back

"Well, humans shed 40 pounds of skin in a lifetime." He smiled in a know-it-all fashion

Alice laughed at him "You know, like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different."

"Right handed people live on average 9 years longer than left handed people" He said smugly

"A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day" she grinned

"In Singapore, it is illegal to sell or own chewing gum"

""Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt"."

"Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren't added to it." He laughed, thinking he had gotten her.

"A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second."

"Donald Duck was banned in Finland for a while because he doesn't wear pants."

"The longest word in the English language is ."

"111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321"

"The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

"The manufacturing documentation for a Jumbo Jet weighs more than a Jumbo Jet."

"If electrodes are inserted at opposite ends of a pickle, and electricity is passed through, the pickle will glow."

"The cigarette lighter was invented before the match."

"Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots."

"40% of cases a pizza will arrive sooner than an ambulance."

"Most toilets flush in E-flat."

She looked at him with an odd expression "Only you would know that! But did you know that it is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear?" __

'The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly."

"In the average lifetime, a person will walk the equivalent of 5 times around the equator."

"A hummingbird weighs less than a penny."

"The longest one-syllable word is "screeched."

"Frowning burns more calories than smiling."

"1/4 of the bones in your body are in your feet."

"Well..." He paused, freezing as he heard a car approaching.

"Bella and Edward are back!' exclaimed Alice happily.

"Excellent!" Said Emmett. "I think it's time for a trip to Walmart!"

"EMMETT NO!" Shouted every vampire in the house.

He pouted the rest of the night.


	2. A Trip to Walmart

**This is for anonomouse3.0. I hope it's everything you wanted!**

**Disclaimer; I obviously don't own twilight. If I did, it would be a LOT different. Obviously.**** ;D**

* * *

'Belllllaaaaa!"

'What, Emmet?" she responded, not looking up from her magazine.

"I'm... so... BORED!" responded Emmet from where he was hanging upside down off of the couch.

She looked up to find the blood rushing to his face. "I though _you_ were supposed to be babysitting _me_?"

He rolled his eyes, laughing. "Well, yeah. But only 'cause I'm the big strong vampire man and you're the puny little clutz."

She glared at him. "Well, now I'm not taking you anywhere."

His eyes went wide at this, and he flipped off the couch, shaking the house as he landed on his knees in front of Bella. "Plleeaseeee? I promise I'll be good!"

She laughed at his expression, admitting defeat.

"Where did you have in mind?" she asked, unsuspecting.

-30 minutes later-

"I still don't understand why I had to wear ALL black," Bella said as Emmet applied her second war-stripe.

"Because we have to match! And it looks DANGEROUS!" he grinned.

She had to admit, they did look good. He was wearing nondescript black pants, a snug fitting black tee, and a black beanie. She was wearing black skinny pants, a black tee, and a black beret. Oh, and the war paint. They both had thick black lines on each side of their faces.

"Are you ready?" He asked her, looking at the building in front of them.

"As ready as I'll ever be.." she said, looking doubtful. He grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the door.

* * *

1. We will not set all of the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals, even if it seems 'harmless'.

"Did you get that one?" Asked Emmet, pointing to a red clock on the far side of the isle.  
"Yes," said Bella as she messed with the buttons on a children's clock. "did you stagger all the times?"  
Emmet gave her a big grin. "Of course I did!" at this moment, the first alarm began to go off. The two pranksters looked at each other, smirking. "Time to go!"

* * *

8. We will not move the 'CAUTION – WET FLOOR' signs to suit our purposes.  
9. We will not sit down and relax on the patio furniture until the employees become angry and kick us out.

"Um.. Sir? Mam? We're going to have to ask you to move. You're disrupting the other customers." the store employee looked apprehensive as he stared at the fortress the two had created. Every caution sign the store owned had been moved to form a large circle around two patio chairs. The two mischief makers lounged on the chairs, sipping on sodas. Emmet now had on a child's king's costume on, and was using a foam sword as a scepter.  
"WHAT SAY YOU, KNAVE WHO DARES QUESTION THE KING OF THE LAND OF THE TOYS?" Thundered Emmet, attempting to sound threatening. "THIS IS MY KINGDOM, AND YOU SHALL NOT ORDER ME AROUND!"

"Sir," began the exasperated worker, "This is the toy department. And you and your friend are in the way."  
Emmet looked at Bella, shrugging. "Finish your drink, my dear. We're departing to better lands."  
They both chugged the last of their sodas, then stood up and ran off.

* * *

14. We will not hide in a clothing rack and scream "PICK US! PICK US!" at browsing customers.

"The fat man walks alone!" whispered Emmet in a creepy voice from his position in the center of the clothes rack. The lady who had been browsing took a few steps back before grabbing her cart and rushing away. He and Bella hi-fived as they laughed, then settled down for the next victim.  
"This is the one," Bella whispered to Emmet as a young woman made her way toward the clothes rack. They waited a moment before jumping out of the rack shouting, "PICK US, PICK US!" the woman screamed, and they darted away before the employees reached the scene.

* * *

20. We will not try on bras over our clothes in the middle of the store.  
39. We will not spray air-freshener everywhere.  
16. We will not ride a display bicycle through the store as fast as we can.

" GET THAT ONE, BELLA!" Exclaimed Emmet, gesturing to a middle-aged man staring at them in wonder. She aimed the fabreeze bottle at him, the mist covering everything in their tracks. The were a sight to see, Emmet was still wearing his black ensemble, and the king's cape, crown, and scepter. But he had added a very large, lacy pink bra over the top of his clothes. Bella was riding on the pegs of the bike, her dark hair billowing behind her as best it could under the red animal print bra that she was using as a hat. She had a bottle of air freshener in each hand, and was spraying everyone they passed.

"SIR! WE MUST ASK YOU TO PUT THE BIKE AWAY! MAM! PUT DOWN THE FABREEZE!" shouted one of the employees from the mob that was chasing them through the store.

"NEVER!" shouted Bella, tossing on of the empty bottles behind her. It hit the employee on the forehead, and he went down with a thud.

* * *

100. We will not ask everyone in electronics if they know what CD 'Don't Stop Believing' is on. We will not tell them that we don't remember the name, and we will not sing it very loudly until we are escorted out of the store.

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT SONG THIS IS?" shouted Bella from her position on the top of the electronics counter.

Emmet grabbed the intercom mic as he bellowed, "JUST A SMALL TOWN GIRL!" It rang out over the store speakers as everyone stopped to stare at the debacle. Bella jumped down from the counter to sing with him. "LIVING IN A LONNEELYY WO-ORLLD!"  
"Sir," attempted a worker dressed in blue.  
"SHE TOOK A MIDNIGHT TRAIN GOING ANN-YEE-WHEREE!"  
"Mam! Really!" Exclaimed the manager, attempting to grab the mic. She successfully wrapped her hands around it as the two kids decided they didn't need it, and began running around the store, singing at the top of their lungs.  
"DOH-OHN'T STOPP, BEELIEEVING! HOLD ON TO THAT FEE-LAY-AYY-INN-NGG, STREE-EET LIGHTS, PE-EO-OH-PEE-OH-PALL!  
Two large men grabbed the trouble makers by the arms. 'We're going to have to ask you to leave" They began making their way towards the door.

"Yes!" Exclaimed Emmet and Bella as they began their encore and were escorted out into the night.


End file.
